Suicidal Christians – from living to die to dying to live
My heart used to sink when I heard testimonies in church where the ‘I-gave-my-life-to-Jesus-and-now-I-am-happy’ story flew in the face of my own reality. Since asking God into my life I had been raped, kidnapped, held up at gun point (all separate occasions) and in the aftermath of these traumas, I had battled with addiction, chronic pain, depression and multiple suicide attempts. I asked myself if my conversion was real and could not understand why my prayers were not being answered, why I was struggling so much and I suspected that God did not love me at all. But I knew there was a God – so many things confirmed that fact in my life. So I set out to find out what He was all about in an effort to find answers to my questions.
During this quest, I discovered a common thread running through my life: suicide. Life had become so unbearable that I had tried to end it many times. At the same time, while I was running support groups and home groups, I heard the heart-broken cries of other Christians spoken in embarrassed whispers. These were not the testimonies we were hearing from the pulpit – but this was the reality for many in the church – and they were all too ashamed to ‘share’ their story. Is suicide something to be ashamed of? Is God angry with me for thinking these thoughts? Will I go to hell if I kill myself? I set out to find answers…and I did.
This book, while referencing stories from my harrowing life, is a step-by-step guide to finding joy. It begins where you are by helping you discover more about yourself. Each chapter contains practical checklists and bullet points, suggested prayers and inspired help, interspersed with exciting allegories. If you, like me, have ever asked questions like: Why do I feel so trapped? Why don’t I feel favoured? Why am I so scared? Why can’t I get out of this cycle of harming myself? Why can’t I forgive and why do I even need to? Do I have a demonic problem? Why has nothing changed? Is suicide a sin? Will I go to heaven? Where is God in all of this and why isn’t He helping me? – then this book is for you.
I now have a deep, solid, dependable joy – one that is certainly ‘beyond understanding’. God loves us. The depth of this simple sentence has brought me life and I aim to spread this truth to others who are going through storms.
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